The results are in from yesterday’s 7th annual Church Curse-Off, in which English-speaking Mormons from across the country compete to add cleaner-sounding substitutes for traditional curse words into the LDS lexicon.
“I thought it would be pretty clear when making the reservation that ‘Best Mission in the World’ was obviously talking about the Frankfurt, Germany mission from 2005-2008,” said Ogden native Blake Ross, who booked the terrace of BYU’s Wilkinson Student Center for his mission’s most recent reunion. “Apparently other people had the same idea.”
In an effort to help all their members feel involved, young single adult congregations across the state of Utah have announced a slew of new callings, including Sunday Parking Lot Coordinator, Official Bread Gluten-Checker, and Ward Sacrament Meeting Back-Tickler.
24-year-old Azia Jorgensen of Draper, UT, mother of two children and currently expecting her third, was crushed this week as she and her husband learned that all the creative scriptural names they wanted for their future son were already taken.
“I just don’t get it,” said Weston Nielsen, a recent college graduate who was not hired by a prestigious bank even though he had earned more than 20 merit badges before he turned 15, including Camping, Cooking, and Citizenship in the Nation. “Can’t they tell I’m a natural-born leader with a well-rounded skill set?”
“I wasn’t sure how to start off but then it hit me — what if I tell everyone the story of how the first counselor stopped me in the hall and asked me to give a talk?”
“I mean baptisms are important for sure. But they can do those any time if we’re being honest. I’m going boating later so this is the only time that worked for me.”
“I loved my mission — I just wish I could've spent more time tracting my last few transfers, if you know what I mean.”